Office Weekly Roundup: Funny New Year’s Resolutions

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The New Year is upon us, and you know what that means: it’s that time of the year again for New Year’s Resolutions! The tried-and-failed resolution of going to the gym will always be a staple of this tradition, but what about the lesser-known and (sort of) more realistic resolutions nobody talks about? In this week’s roundup, we list some of the strangest yet funny resolutions people have made, some of which are actually possible to achieve.

I won’t lose this one this time. No, really.

I won’t lose this one this time. No, really.

When is the last time you bought a ChapStick and actually finished the entire tube? It’d be quite the achievement to actually finish one and then show the empty tube to friends and family; they’ll totally congratulate you on your efforts.

This is the last selfie. Promise.

This is the last selfie. Promise.

Make an effort this year to stare at your phone less and actually interact with people. Want a real challenge? Go to any party and don’t use your phone as a crutch. Not as easy as it looks, huh?

I’ll finish it. Eventually. Maybe.

I’ll finish it. Eventually. Maybe.

Try doing something few people can only dream of: start reading an article online, and then actually finish reading it. It’ll be like finishing the New York City marathon, except you won’t throw up and pass out afterwards from the lack of nutrients.

Because you give a hoot, that’s why.

Because you give a hoot, that’s why.

Want to fight crime with a little help? Make a resolution to teach owls to say “crime” whenever they see someone committing a crime. That’ll show those evildoers.

Because you (should) care

Because you (should) care

Make a resolution to work with neglected children, starting with your own children. Nothing will make your kids fall into your favor again like a shiny, new smartphone.

How do they keep finding me?

How do they keep finding me?

Ever tried making a resolution out of preventing ads from reaching your mailbox? Neither have we, but we can only dream of how awesome it must be to open up our mailbox and not see any ads and instead just bills. Now that we mention it: can we make a resolution to also stop receiving bills?

New Year's Resolution

“I’m so full, but it’s so tasty. Must. Continue.”

Chipotle burritos are huge, and finishing one is not for the faint of heart. Make a resolution this year to take on this fabled beast and eat every single delectable morsel with no shame. Your toilet will not thank you for it later.

New Year's Resolution

Anyone can talk the talk

Perhaps the simplest resolution you can make this year is this: do a little better everyday than you did yesterday in everything you do, and don’t feel the need to say it out loud. It is easy to fail in your resolutions if you jot them down or announce them on social media, so just keep to yourself, kick ass everyday, and when New Year’s Eve comes around again, rub it in everyone’s faces like a kid who just got the newest video game before all his other friends.