Office Supplies News in Brief by Jessica Hodges
Every now and again I wander over to the Onion to see what office supplies related stories they’ve got going on. There is nothing like a sarcastic article to start out your day.
Local Extension Cord Blasted For Failing To Reach Outlet
STILSON, GA—A local extension cord came under fire Monday when the four-foot length of electrical wiring failed to stretch from the end of area man Dwight Seidl’s television cord to a nearby wall outlet. “The sole function I required of this incompetent [extension cord] was to provide a connection between my TV power adaptor and the AC current in that outlet. Sadly, it was completely unable to perform even this simple task,” Seidl, who purchased the orange Black & Decker multi-socket extension cord that afternoon, told members of the media during a heated press conference. “I stand by my earlier claims that the cord is a son of a ***********” The extension cord’s misstep has reportedly taken some heat off a much-maligned one-inch piece of Scotch tape, which Seidl has twice blasted for failing to hold up his wall calendar
PULASKI, TN—A two-inch stretch of 3M Scotch™ adhesive tape was dispensed Monday by a Swingline™ tape dispenser. “I am impressed beyond words by the exemplary performance of this office appliance,” said Pulaski-area payroll secretary Julie Glass following the successful tape dispensation. “Less than three seconds after I desired a memorandum affixed to a larger document, the tape was dispensed and the pieces of paper attached to one another. I was barely aware of the dispenser’s existence, so smoothly and unobtrusively did it operate.”
Al-Qaeda’s No. 114 Killed On Office Depot Run
BALTIMORE—The FBI has announced that Jalal Dawoud, a suspected al-Qaeda lieutenant, was killed in a single-car accident while en route to procure miscellaneous office supplies Tuesday. “The DHS is proud to announce that this man, ranked No. 114 in al-Qaeda’s terrorist organization, was fetching some toner and a box of gel pens, but was struck and killed before he could carry out his orders,” said FBI Agent Lloyd Hopkinsen, who led a team of 36 investigators to the accident scene.
Office Manager Still Undecided About Sharpie Redesign
HARTFORD, CT–Four days after the arrival of a shipment of office supplies from Staples, P&K Insurance office manager Patty Hildebrandt, 41, remains ambivalent about Sharpie’s new “Twin-Tip” double-ended permanent marker. “Putting a fine tip and a broad tip on the same pen is very convenient, not to mention cost-effective,” Hildebrandt said Tuesday. “Still, neither of the twin tips really works as well as a single-ended marker, probably because they’re sharing the same ink.” Hildebrandt recently took a strong stand against 3M’s accordion-style Post-It notes, calling them “an abomination.”
Office Copying Getting Out Of Hand, Says Office Manager
ARLINGTON, TX—Southcentral Medical Supply office manager Wendell Sulley formally announced Monday that office copying is “getting out of hand.”"After months of seeing the copy-machine, fax and print-station areas littered with copies of documents that are obviously for personal use, it was time to put my foot down,” the 42-year-old Sulley said. “I’ve changed that second-floor toner cartridge twice in the past three weeks alone.”…”Employees used to place an office memo over their personal copies or simply wait until I went to lunch,” Sulley said. “But lately, right out in the open I’ve seen multiple copies of a recipe for ‘Just Like Snickers’ cookies, eBay bid-confirmation forms, a page of forwarded Hillary Clinton jokes, the Bad Golfer’s Pledge Of Allegiance, the Schumacher Family quarterly newsletter, some Elton John song lyrics, and several maps of downtown Columbus, OH.”
Rubber Band Needed
RALEIGH, NC—At approximately 2:30 p.m. EDT Wednesday in the offices of Emery & Lane Advertising at 129 Bronson Avenue, Ron Meyer, 34, announced that he was in need of a rubber band.Meyer, a market researcher at the ad agency, reportedly informed his colleagues that he needed to keep a 22-inch-by-28-inch piece of white poster board in a rolled-up position, and stated that a rubber band would be the best clasping tool for the job.
New Pen Brings Fleeting Moment Of Satisfaction To Local Man
HARTFORD, CT–Duane Grunfeld, a 44-year-old Hartford-area insurance-claims processor, experienced a passing moment of satisfaction in his otherwise agonized existence Tuesday when he purchased a new pen. “It’s a nice pen–smooth-writing and easy on the hand,” Grunfeld said of the $2.79 UniBall Gel Writer XT he purchased during his allotted 30-minute lunch break. With its retractable fine point and rubberized grip, the quality pen briefly helped Grunfeld forget about his thinning hair, the severe reprimand he received from his supervisor Monday for tardiness, and the Aug. 11 death of his only companion, a 9-year-old parakeet named Mr. Whistles.
Have one to add? Let me know and I’ll put it up! Gracias to the Onion