how to ask for a raise, and get promptly rejected

Dear boss

Dear readers,

Last time I checked my bank statement, it was dismal. I am sure I am not the only one who have noticed the incessant increase in basic commodity prices, such as gummy bears and potato chips. With my favorite publications, Wall Street Journal and the New York Times, announcing on a daily basis the worthless of the dollar and other inflationary pressures we are facing, it’s hard not to panic and look around for ways to store up on some extra dough. The first thing I would suggest is going to your employer for a raise. Below is something I came across recently that does a great job of asking for a raise, and should it be futile, it could always be passed off as a joke.


Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$. We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon

Your$ $incerely,

( insert your real name)


And here is something for the boss, should you need a similar way of responding to such pestilent request should the employee be undeserving of such consideration.


Dear ( name of employee),

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world’s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad . I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .

Your Boss.


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